I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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