Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
