is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
