Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
