Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
