doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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