You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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