If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
