She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
