This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
