took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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