i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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