I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
