I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
