Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
