This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
