Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
