I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
