Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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