That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
