Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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