I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
