So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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