his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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