It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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