how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
