Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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