Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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