She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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