I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
