i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
