Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
