Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
