I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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