I think I died a long time ago.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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