Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
