can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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