So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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