I must be too annoying 4 u.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
