If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
