So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
