found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
