shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize