I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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