I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
