her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
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Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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