i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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