She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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