Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
