Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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