someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
