Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
